selling your soul to the book of face.

Sometimes I wish I'd never asked.

Sometimes knowing a little, is knowing too much.
And once you know something, there is no going back.

I think that's why I have such an antipathy to sites like Facebook - because they tell me all the things I never wanted to know before I even knew I didn't want to know them.

They tell me she had a baby - he's got a new girlfriend- they finally got married - things that don't necessarily impact my life anymore in any way whatsoever and yet here I am, clicking my way through your family holiday album learning all these things we'll never actually talk about in person - things I'll shelve away in the dark corners of my sub-conscious until I see you next when we'll both ask "how are you?" like we don't already know.

I must admit some of the things I learn are amusing. Some of the tidbits are often just day-makers and re-appear in text messages to my friends who I know will also appreciate the giggle. But mostly? I just want to click undo in my mind and go back to wondrous oblivion. It's much safer there; it's not filled with reminders that tell me to regret that I let you into my life, that I walked into yours, or that there are still even remnants of our paths colliding embedded forever in my conscience or alternatively, your facebook.

But as I've learnt, there are no erasers - no 'delete all' option - no way to get back the innocence that you offered up so freely for a taste of curiosity. Nothing to undo the new pain that comes with knowing too much.

I think the answer is simple. Maybe I should take five minutes before the next time to assess the consequences this decision might bring - big, bad or otherwise.

I should just say to myself - "Self, ten years - three months - hell; a week from now: Am I going to regret this?"

Lesson Eight: Make better choices.

Better living everyone. xx

growing pains.

Recently I turned 22. I always thought that was still pretty young.

Apparently not.

I used to think "So what are you up to these days?" was a genuine inquiry into how I'm doing. Again - I missed the day they explained it's actually a test.

I dread any conversation that begins with the above phrase because I never have anything remotely interesting to tell them and more often then not, it's a trick. It's a way for whatshername's mum to harass me in the supermarket so she can feel that little bit more smug about her angel offspring who has life plans and job offers and grown up stuff galore.

More and more I notice "Oh I'm still at uni" never really gets more than a polite "Oh I see..." and a swift but none-too-subtle subject change.

I always feel like they expect me to say something impressive and even I'm slightly disappointed when I give my answer and it's not.

I can't say I'm honestly surprised though. It doesn't sound all that interesting. I belong too a none-too-elite club of undecided twenty-somethings not old enough to command the workforce and not young enough to avoid it.

I never realised that my "figuring it out" phase had an expiry date and that sooner or later I would have to choose. It's more than that though - more than just being undecided - I feel disappointing. I'm just not sure who's expectations were bigger to start with - theirs or mine.

Though not a huge fan of the show, I did catch an episode of the ever vulgar Sex & the City the other day and in one of her ramblings, Carrie did actually make a point I identified with. She said -

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

I often wonder that.

It really does seem like at 18 the world is your oyster - all possibilities. All opportunities. All infinite hope.

Then at 21 it's a slightly smaller crustacean - not as tempting but still with a spark of determination that tomorrow you'll be amazing.

But after that? Most days you're not even the main event on the specials board. Even the #2 combo seems to have more on you. You're a disappointment because you're not completely decided on where you're going, how you're going to get there or why and in the end it seems like every decision you've made up til then has been the wrong one and no amount of justifying can take you back.

I just want to know where it's written that I was supposed to have it figured out by now? I mean, in some civilisations, going to university is the dream. Unfortunately not this one.

Okay the pity party stops here. I do realise that an undecided career path is hardly reason for a hunger strike but sometimes it really does feel all that hopeless.

I promise to be amazing somewhere along the line.
Just give me a minute more to figure it all out.

Lesson Seven: To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.

Let's enjoy it while it lasts. xx