you and me could write a bad romance.

I'm not sure what it is but for some reason I only ever attract boys who aren't good for me.  By the same token I'm only ever attracted to boys I can never have; boys with girlfriends, boys with emotional baggage, boys with criminal records.

If I believed in all that "The Secret" hocus pocus, I could conclude that I'm getting back the result of what I give out.  I'm going to hope like hell that's not the case.  Not that my signal-reading skills are anything to go by, but I'm pretty sure I don't give out "I'm an emotional retard - please let me cheat on you or take your everything then change my mind".

I don't get what it is though.  I never like the good guys.  The good dependable guys that I'm supposed to want to build my forever with.

I think I just get bored too easily.  I need it to be dramatic or risky or exciting or I don't feel like it's real.  Something in my subconscious has decided it's just not worth my time if I'm not going home to cry myself to sleep.


It's like I only know how to flit between two extremes - silent agonising boredom complete with hay bales on one end and over-the-top crazy jerry springer drama at the other. Anything indecipherably between the two and I'm completely at a loss with what to do with myself.


I think my heart operates on a bit of a reverse-psychology basis.  I can't love him if he's good because that makes me a conformist.  It's too neat, too clean, too perfect.  Tell me he wants me back and I'm suddenly creeped out that he's too keen, too needy; worried that he'll smother me to death with affection.


But tell me I can't have him - that it won't work - that he doesn't even know I'm alive and suddenly I want him bad.


One of these days I will learn my lesson.  Promise. Til then it's a work in progress.


Lesson Sixteen: Know your worth.